What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 13:38
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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I write beautiful poetry .
Put me off passion for life!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Consequuntur dolor explicabo ipsa autem vel eos et.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
What do you do to make yourself sleep early?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was very sick at this time too.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im still living with it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i do to all so called friends.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I don,t even have a pension.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She loved him until the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.